Dear Jane,
I know life is tough and sometimes it doesn't offer us too many options.
Some women choose to be a mother and some do not get that opportunity. In either case, being a mother is not easy. One day, you may or may not decide on this and you are free to make your own decisions, build your own dreams. As your mother, I might have faltered on so many fronts and at times, you would have hated me for who I am. In other instances, I am aware of your love for me. I know very well that it remains a constant.
My mother loved me but couldn't express it well. I loved her too but couldn't express well either. A wall was built. Too strong to be demolished. Sometimes, it felt that we both were trying but nothing would come out of it. Anger, frustration, tears, and eventually, silence. We did things for each other but had no heart left to express. It all created a huge void. Even when she was present, I could feel her absence so loud and clear.
That's why I thought I will begin with the subject of "expression". Being a mother is not easy and expressing your love is not easy either. This is not for everyone. I would like to express that you have the freedom to express yourself, speak your heart and mind to me. Again, it's not going to be easy but breaking down that wall will be tougher than anything you would achieve in your entire life. Just the same, for me.
I do not claim to be a great mother but I can listen. If you choose to open your heart to me, I will embrace everything with no judgment. I shall do the same if you allow me to. We can start with friendship, not necessarily a mother and daughter.
I have made my own set of mistakes and I would confide in you. I have loved and lost too, and I can cry with you. I have achieved and failed and I can share the pain and laughter with you. I have been a daughter too, not sure if a good one. And I put no pressure on you to become one. I had a mother who loved me in her own ways but couldn't express it. I can be your mother and would try my best to express it too.
We all can start somewhere and this is where I would like to begin. Let me express, darling Jane. I fear my heart would break.
With Love,
Mummy.